Boys

I am continually amazed at how different our two boys are, not just in size but in personality! Their size is one thing, Ethan always being very big for his age while Levi is a little below average.  Ethan has always been very cautious, but very loud and outgoing.  He'll talk to anybody that will listen and we joke that he literally never stops talking from the time he wakes up until the time he goes to sleep.  Of course I would get the loud and talkative child! I love his little personality! He is very cautious though about everything he does.  It took him years to go down a slide or swing on a swing by himself.  Any activity that is new or different takes him a long time to warm up to.  Levi on the other hand is already our daredevil child.  He doesn't think twice about diving in headfirst.  I'm amazed at some of the things he will do that Ethan would have NEVER done at his age.  He'll be the one riding roller coasters with me while Scott and Ethan watch safely from the ground.  I love how my boys are different, and am excited to see how God uses their little personalities as they grow.

Here is an example of how Levi will do anything.  Again, Ethan would have never done this at that age.

Children are a Blessing

Today has been one of those days.  I know every mother of young children has "those days."  The days when you want to pull every single hair from your head and run away forever.  I find myself wondering if I will miss these days when my children are older and we are dealing with new issues.

Today Ethan threw an absolute tantrum in Party City.  So while I held a squirmy baby, because he refuses to ride in the buggy, and pushed a cart-full of 1st birthday supplies around the store, Ethan's behavior quickly escalated.  I finally got to the check out counter and thought the worst was over...ha. When I told him he could not have a balloon, he absolutely lost it, like a heap on the floor kicking and screaming.  I mean, he's 3 1/2, the terrible two's are supposed to be over right?! He refuses to leave the store and I have a baby in one arm and a bag of party supplies in another, I felt completely helpless.  Then the clerk in the store says...here I'll get him a balloon, I hate to see babies cry!  I was thinking, "he is not a baby, he is a 40 lb out of control toddler!"  So with a free balloon in tow, we finally made it to the car.      

I'll be honest, when we got to the car I wanted to beat the living daylights out of the child (I didn't).  At the same time, I just wanted to cry and give up.  That was just the beginning.  We went to the park to waste a little time before meeting Scott for lunch.  Of course when we leave, another monster tantrum was thrown and I was left dragging Ethan by the arm kicking and screaming to the car, while trying to hold Levi and push a stroller.  I wasn't the only mother there doing this, so it was good to have company.

We've been talking at Wed. night church in our class about parenting, so it's been on my mind a lot lately.  Like when we left the park, I just wanted to spank Ethan, but I was angry.  I was angry, but he needed a spanking; this kind of behavior is unacceptable.  How do I punish him and show him that I am punishing him out of love and not anger? I don't want him to be afraid of me, or be afraid of making me angry or irritating me.  I want him to obey me because he respects the authority God has given me as a parent, and to know that I have his best interests in mind.  How do you explain this to a three year old? I tried, probably not successfully, but he was punished and even apoligized for his behavior.  I just try to remember how many times I'm sure I have acted like Ethan, kicking and screaming selfishly when God does not grant my self-centered requests. How many times has he picked me up off the floor after a "tantrum" and loved on me and forgiven me?  

I am not a perfect parent, and I do not have perfect children.  I, in fact, have very strong willed children.  I admire the fact that they are strong willed.  I pray that they will use that for good and Godly purposes later in life, and I pray that God will give Scott and I the courage and patience to train, discipline, and love them while they are growing and maturing.  It is such an incredible blessing to have children.  After days like today, I just have to remember that.  We as parents are responsible for shaping these little souls, pointing them to Jesus in everything we do -- What an incredible yet absolutely terrifying responsibility.

 So while my children are napping, finally, I am taking a minute to review my day.  How can I be a better parent on these days when all I want to do is give up.  I love my children, and would not trade staying home with them for anything.  These times are hard, but I hope that one day they will pay off.  I pray our boys grow up to be Godly men, husbands, and fathers.     

Levi 6 months

Ok...I've gotten horrible at updating this thing. I promise I love you too Levi! Life with two just requires much more of my time, and blogging, unfortunately does not make the cut most days.

I do want to keep track of Levi's stats as I did with Ethan so we can look back and have something to remember them.

6 month:
16.1 lbs- 25%percentile
26 in- 50%percentile

I have had two babies at opposite ends of the spectrum!

Levi 4 months

Levi is such a sweet little baby! He is happy unless hungry or tired...although he much prefers to be held rather than put down. He LOVES his big brother. Every time he sees Ethan he smiles and coos. Ethan is pretty good with him, but doesn't like to share at all...it will be interesting once Levi can crawl and starts getting into Ethan's stuff. Life with two boys is busy busy, but I love every minute of it!

Levi's stats for 4 months:
15lbs- 50%percentile
25in- 50%percentile

December

This year has absolutely flown by! Last year at this time we knew we were pregnant, and I was feeling horrible! Levi is almost 4 months old. He is such a good little baby, we are so blessed. He sleeps all night and is happy during the day! Having two children is 100 times more hectic than just one, but it has been fun. Ethan is in the full blown terrible two's, which makes everyday an adventure. He can go from perfectly happy to throwing an all out fit in a matter of seconds. I am looking forward to the day when is out of this stage. We are still working on potty training. It is so frustrating, but I know eventually he will get it. Here are a few pictures from this month...

Photoshop

So I splurged today and bought myself an early Christmas present. I bought some photoshop actions from Florabella. I LOVE her actions! They are so easy to use and make your pictures look lovely. I have been playing around with them all day. Here are a few examples.

Sunflare

I added clouds! Haha

lens flare and sunflare

my child refuses to smile...

Social Anxiety---Yes I have it

I suppose blogs are partly for being honest. I have read on other people's blogs about affairs, family struggles, infertility troubles, and the list goes on. So here is a little bit about me and my struggles...
I have social anxiety disorder. I guess most people who know me at all know that I am shy, but it is so much more than that.

"Social anxiety is anxiety (emotional discomfort, fear, apprehension, or worry) about social situations, interactions with others, and being evaluated or scrutinized by other people. The difference between Social Anxiety and normal apprehension of social situations is that social anxiety involves an intense feeling of fear in social situations and especially situations that are unfamiliar or in which you will be watched or evaluated by others. The feeling of fear is so strong that in these types of situations one may be so worried that they feel anxious just thinking about them and will go to great lengths to avoid them."

I think most people who have social anxiety know that most of our fears are irrational, but somehow can't help it. I absolutely hate it, and everyday is struggle to overcome some sense of fear of any number of social interactions. For instance: I hate going to the grocery store and checking out because I know I am going to have to have some sort of conversation with the lady who checks me out. I have actually put stuff down and walked out of the store b/c the self-check out line was closed. I hate ordering at restaurants, and rarely look the waiter in the eye. I seriously almost have a panic attack every time my phone rings, and most of the time if it is not my husband or my mom I won't answer. Text messaging has saved my life. =) Why can't I be like everyone else and just pick up the freakin' phone?!

My Dr. once told me that people with social anxiety have the same amount of anxiety (heart pounding, sweating, etc.) about being a room with 10 people that they don't know all that well as a normal person would have about giving a speech in front of 200 people. I always knew something was not right with me...(Why can't I just be normal and act like normal people in social situations?)

My problem is that I avoid. Going to church is scary for me...sad right? I am scared of talking to people. So sometimes I just don't go. Any kind of party or get together is a struggle for me. The anxiety I feel all day before a party or social gathering is almost worse than actually going.

"While many people with social phobia realize that their fears about being with people are excessive or unreasonable, they are unable to overcome them. Even if they manage to confront their fears and be around others, they are usually very anxious beforehand, are intensely uncomfortable throughout the encounter, and worry about how they were judged for hours afterward."

I think my biggest fear is that my disorder is going to affect my boys negatively. It has already had a massive impact on my life; I don't want it to disrupt their lives at all. I have gotten better with time, and hopefully I will keep getting better. Thankfully I have a husband who loves me and supports me, and a family who loves me also.

People with social anxiety are many times seen by others as being shy, quiet, backward, withdrawn, inhibited, unfriendly, nervous, aloof, and disinterested. People with social anxiety want to be "normal" socially, they want to make friends and they want to be involved and engaged in social interactions.

I hope people don't think that of me!
~Hannah