Social Anxiety---Yes I have it

I suppose blogs are partly for being honest. I have read on other people's blogs about affairs, family struggles, infertility troubles, and the list goes on. So here is a little bit about me and my struggles...
I have social anxiety disorder. I guess most people who know me at all know that I am shy, but it is so much more than that.

"Social anxiety is anxiety (emotional discomfort, fear, apprehension, or worry) about social situations, interactions with others, and being evaluated or scrutinized by other people. The difference between Social Anxiety and normal apprehension of social situations is that social anxiety involves an intense feeling of fear in social situations and especially situations that are unfamiliar or in which you will be watched or evaluated by others. The feeling of fear is so strong that in these types of situations one may be so worried that they feel anxious just thinking about them and will go to great lengths to avoid them."

I think most people who have social anxiety know that most of our fears are irrational, but somehow can't help it. I absolutely hate it, and everyday is struggle to overcome some sense of fear of any number of social interactions. For instance: I hate going to the grocery store and checking out because I know I am going to have to have some sort of conversation with the lady who checks me out. I have actually put stuff down and walked out of the store b/c the self-check out line was closed. I hate ordering at restaurants, and rarely look the waiter in the eye. I seriously almost have a panic attack every time my phone rings, and most of the time if it is not my husband or my mom I won't answer. Text messaging has saved my life. =) Why can't I be like everyone else and just pick up the freakin' phone?!

My Dr. once told me that people with social anxiety have the same amount of anxiety (heart pounding, sweating, etc.) about being a room with 10 people that they don't know all that well as a normal person would have about giving a speech in front of 200 people. I always knew something was not right with me...(Why can't I just be normal and act like normal people in social situations?)

My problem is that I avoid. Going to church is scary for me...sad right? I am scared of talking to people. So sometimes I just don't go. Any kind of party or get together is a struggle for me. The anxiety I feel all day before a party or social gathering is almost worse than actually going.

"While many people with social phobia realize that their fears about being with people are excessive or unreasonable, they are unable to overcome them. Even if they manage to confront their fears and be around others, they are usually very anxious beforehand, are intensely uncomfortable throughout the encounter, and worry about how they were judged for hours afterward."

I think my biggest fear is that my disorder is going to affect my boys negatively. It has already had a massive impact on my life; I don't want it to disrupt their lives at all. I have gotten better with time, and hopefully I will keep getting better. Thankfully I have a husband who loves me and supports me, and a family who loves me also.

People with social anxiety are many times seen by others as being shy, quiet, backward, withdrawn, inhibited, unfriendly, nervous, aloof, and disinterested. People with social anxiety want to be "normal" socially, they want to make friends and they want to be involved and engaged in social interactions.

I hope people don't think that of me!
~Hannah